We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
