I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
