HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
