Girls should come with a carfax report
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
