Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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