i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
