I wish I could teleport
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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