Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
