You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
