im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
