all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
