so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
