I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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