can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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