Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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