I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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