when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
