There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
