it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
