separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
