Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
