why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
