i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
