I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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