Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
