I am midnight drunk by noon
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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