He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
