Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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