I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
