His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
