Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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