What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
