About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
