trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
