Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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