So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
