Can Purell be used as lube?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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