dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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