and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
