FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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