my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
