you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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