I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
