My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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