I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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