mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
