I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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