The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
