Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
