Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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