if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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