btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
