Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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